In memory of Nicos and Gretchen

As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.
To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.

The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers in the land,
The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains…
For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.

The month of August will always be a month that in some ways remain more significant than others for both Chester and myself , its been 4 years now since both of us lost our spouses , the loves we had shared our lives with for so many happy years ,
never dreaming at that time in 2004 we would have another happy day without them , how wrong could we have been , well it certainly wasn’t easy , and for sure we spent many miserable dark gloomy days and nights grieving ,
Throughout that time I really did pray a lot to God , he is always there listening
Nicos and Gretchen , I believe with all of my heart that they were there in heaven together , planning a way to bring the two lost and lonely people they had left behind in the world together to share one very deep and devoted love , And they did , they made sure even though we were a huge Ocean apart that we found each other and found a love that could only be described as heaven sent

Today I didn’t want to stand at a graveside and be sad, I wanted to close my eyes and whisper a prayer of thanks for the love we had and the love we have received now , as the little passage above says in the last line
‘ For every joy that passes ,something beautiful remains ‘ and that beautiful something is the wonderful love Chester and I share today and forever more .

Also the beautiful collection of images on the video I found on You Tube just made me realize that no matter how difficult things can be around us in life , we are strong inside when we have Gods Love , the snow didn’t stop those flowers blooming and neither did the grief stop a new love forming for us , we are truly blessed.

Nicos and Gretchen – , As long as we live, they too will live for they are now a part of us as we remember them.

from Teleflora.com The story of lilac, according to Greek mythology, begins with a beautiful nymph named Syringa (lilac’s botanical name). Captivated by her beauty, Pan, the god of the forests and fields, chased Syringa through the forest. Frightened by Pan’s affections, Syringa escaped him by turning herself into an aromatic bush – the flower we now refer to as lilac.

The 8th wedding anniversary flower and the state flower of New Hampshire (symbolizing the hardy character of the Granite State’s citizens), lilacs are frequently considered a harbinger of spring, with the time of their bloom signaling whether spring will be early or late. In the language of flowers, purple lilacs symbolize the first emotions of love, while white lilacs represent youthful innocence.

The first emotions of Love! Well there it was like another bolt of lightening from the sky hitting me! If ever there was a sign sent to me, that was it! Oh some may say its just coincidence, but to me it was our Angels saying , here is the One for you :) and I have never doubted it and only believe it stronger to this day. Oh I’m not good enough with words to convey the emotion I felt… no.. the emotion I still feel to this day. Well the lilacs are in bloom once more and I am more in love than ever before! I love you baby! XX I DO! <3

:)

I’ve been dreading  the idea of having to cope with  the holidays that are right upon us.  It still seems so surreal and trying to imagine going through the days ahead is very unsettling.

We’ve done the family Thanksgiving for the past 15 years or so we’ve been in this house.  It just seems too strange to  have it here. I was about at wit’s end as to what to do.  Just wish I could sleep through till February. But there’s no way to avoid it, can’t ignore it, can’t go around it. The only way is to go through it.

Guess the man upstairs was listening to us. Our wonderful, gracious, beautiful neice, Tammy, and her husband John, are going to host the Dinner this year. She and John just bought a beautiful large home right down the road from us. They have plenty of room and Tammy seems so excited about doing this.  I don’t think she’ll ever realize just how much it means to us. The kids seem to feel the same way. I don’t think they wanted to do anything here either. I guess we are being selfish, but we felt like we needed to be able to leave if things got too weird, and we couldn’t have done that if we had it here.
Strange how things work out sometimes… guess we have good connections upstairs Thank you sweety  

And thanks also to my fav sis in law Jan, for all she has done to help make this as comfortable as possible. She’s an angel too.  She’ll never know either how much she means to us.

In a way I’m actually looking forward to Thanksgiving. I am blessed to have such a loving and caring family.

The hard part for me is going to come next Monday, the 29th.
It’s our 24th anniversary.  That is praying on me something fierce. I don’t know how to handle that one.  I keep hoping something will come to me, what I could do to ease the pain of being without my beloved on that special day. I’ve had lots of ideas thrown my way, from my support group,  some friends… and some articles.
someof the ideas include releasing a balloon with a message to my sweety on it, wring a card and burying it in the ground, or set it aflame and let the smoke carry the message to heaven.  Maybe all I will be able to do is cry.. I dunno.  But I’ll do something.  I want to get some roses to take to the site,  maybe spend a little one on one time there.. I did make a little graphic on window decal paper that has our wedding date on it and put it on the headstone.. (I don’t know why I didn’t think of having that put on the monument when we got it… wasn’t thinking too straight)

I don’t even think about Christmas yet.. I block it, just want to get through the next few days..

But I don’t want to make this a grim grief ridden post. I do want to give thanks for so many things.
For having such a supportive, loving family. My great daughters, and son in law, my Mom, my mother and father in law, nieces. brothers in law, and my Favorite sister in law.  I could not have survived without them.
For the good friends who have helped me through these terrible months. Love to you all.
For being fortunate to find the help I needed to keep me somewhat sane.
But I am most thankful for the last 25 years that I had with Gretchen. I have been blessed to have had her love in my life and truly share what so many fail to find.  God I miss her, but the love is eternal,  for that I am  truly thankful

Keep the faith , love you all..
G

Thinking of you today G.  
You and yours are not being selfish you are grieving and that feeling of helplessness and wanting to pull back are just a natural part of it.  God bless your niece and nephew for stepping up to host, that must feel like a big weight off you.  I’ve found that my best friends and my close family always seem to just know when I need them to step in and help.

Will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers on your anniversary as well.  I remember how  in a fog I  was this past year on mine.  Was a long emotional day and sort of surreal since it is off the radar screen of everyone but your closest family.

(((((Hugs to you and yours G)))))

Barb

Re: Holidays or Hollowdays « Reply #2 on: Nov 25th, 2004, 7:18pm »

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Thanks Barb,

Al in all it was a pretty good day. We had a good time socializing and cooking and just being together. And yes, bless my niece. She and John and her mom did a great job and made it fun.. It actually felt more like a family get together than a holiday, I guess because we associate Thanksgiving with home.  You’re right it was tremendous weight off of us.   The only thing I wasn’t prepared for was the food.. I mean it was great, but the first thing I tasted, I knew it tasted different than what Gretchen used to make.. Sounds goofy I suppose, but the kids said the same thing.. I had mentally tried to prepare for everything, but here was this out of the blue.. funny how some things pop up to bring it all back. Gave me a small anxiety attack, nothing major.  Like I said no reflection on the food, it was great and the decor and everything was perfect.. and the was a great deal offun and laughter and we couldn’t have asked for anything better.
Again a big heartfelt thanks to Tammy and John for making our day so wonderful , all things considered. I have the most wonderful family anyone could ask for.
hugs to you and colleen

G

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Oh sweety some days it's just so hard. Theres not a day, and hour, a minute goes by that I don't feel the pain and grief.  I wonder at times how much longer I can hang on like this. You were half of me, there's now a hole that will never be filled.  God how I miss your touch.. your hugs, the comfort and love I found in your arms.  I look around and the memories are everywhere. You left us so many. I thank God for them, and you. We were together all the time.  You were my life, how do I go on now? What do I do?  I try to make it hour to hour, I can't even look ahead more than a day at a time. I find myself breaking down at the oddest times. I don't think those who haven't lost a spouse can even begin to know the  how dark a soul can get when their life's love is taken away.  
 I don't like this baby. It's not right, it's unfair and I hate having to go on without you. It's not like I'm suicidal or anything like that, but the desire to live is no where to be found.  I guess I'm just having a self pity party tonight. I just want to talk to you, and hug you and kiss you good night.
I miss you so much Gretchen,  
 
Loving you always
Chester

I have had a few instances and occurences happen over the last couple of months, maybe they are just coincidence, but I like to think that they are signs she sends to let me know she's there. Maybe I'm deluding myself, but it helps me get through.

 
The first one was at the funeral home at the first viewing. Due to having a heart attack at her age, an autopsy was required. Two days had gone by, I was so guilt ridden that I didn't do everything I could have done to help her, it was killing me. The burden on top of losing my angel, was beginning to be unbearable. Whne we went into see her for the first time at the viewing, I broke down,  I sobbed heavily and asked her to forgive me if I hadn't done all I could. It wasn't 2 minutes later that the medical examiners report came in. A friend of the family who is a medical person, looked at the findings and explained them to us. He said that even if she had been in the hospital on a table in the emegency rom at the time it happened, there was nothing even they could have done. I cried again and thanked Gretchen for taking that part of the pain away. I knew she was with us.
   
The next one was the folllowing day. We had each made plans to put a few personal things in the casket, photos, flowers, etc and also one of her favorite things.. a fireball (candy) .  I had gotten a couple of pictures and one from my daughter together to have them ready for the next day. We put them on the desk that evening, and with all the numbness and confusion I guess we forgot the fireball.  That evening when the xanax and the tiredness finally kicked in, I went to the bedroom to get into bed. I looked down and saw something on the floor by my side of the bed. A FIREBALL right there midways between the bed and wall. It just stood out. Now I suppose it is possible that I had put on in my pocket and it fell out sometime during the day or that maybe I had put it on the nightstand and it fell off, but I took it as a sign that she was around to make sure we didn't forget it.
 There were a couple of more that I wont go into for personal reasons, but I felt in her hand in them.
 
I was feeling very down a few days ago, having a few financial issues going on, and also thinking about our anniversary coming up in a couple of months,  all in all a down day. I had to go to the store to get a few things, some drinks, Mt. Dew, (Gretchen always made sure there were plenty at the house) and a cople of other items. So I'm kinda going along trying to just get the stuff and get out. (The only local store is also the same company we worked together). I go down the drink aisle, and grab 2 6 packs of Mt Dew, and the expiration date just stands right..NOV 29, 2004.. which just happens to be our anniversary. I know, just coincidence to many, but to me it lightened my load. Maybe we're just sensitive to things like this during this ordeal. I dunno. Got home, had the tv gong in the background and twice that day , either some game show or talk shows , I heard the name Gretchen..My ears perked up. Now I know its not a rare name, but it's not one you hear everyday.. and twice I heard it. one was contestant, the other a guest on someshow.. don't even remember the show, just hearing the name.. it was kinda eery, kinda comforting.. Maybe I just miss her so much I want to see and hear stuff.. I do feel like she's there looking out for us,  I just wish so bad I could hold in in my arms again. I miss that so very much.

It's been rough having to go through all the steps necessary to set things right on paper. I had support the first few days with my Mom starting the paperwork process with the insurance , social security and our retirment account at work. I've had to contact all the financial people, banks, loans etc and report her death and have her name removed from the accounts. Luckily most everything was held jointly so all ahs gone smoothly, although each time I contacted someone it took a heavy toll on me. I had to space things out to one every few days. I just couldn't deal with more than that.  
 The only thing that was solely in her name was her car. I had to apply for a title transfer, made easier by visiting the clerk of court who prepared the necessary paperwork for me to take to the DMV. Luckily Gretchen and the clerk of courts had gone to school together, so this made it so much easier to deal with knowing I was with someone who knew Gretchen and thought a lot about her. So a few days alter I took the title and form to the DMV. It actually went rather smoothly. But at the same time this idea comes into my head.. "They are trying to wipe out every trace that she ever ever exisited"  I know the legal reasons for having to do all this, but seeing her name brings comfort, so I put the new registration under her old one. Silly maybe, but it helps me. It will always be her car.  
 I only have one or two things to finish up and all the "paperwork" will be done. It seems like an eternity getting all this done though.

Gretchen has always had this thing about calendars. She had all the family and friends birthdays listed and marked, wedding anniversaries, anniversaries of deaths, Dr's appts, work schedules..etc.. And she also used them to keep track of "special events" school events for the kids and grandkids (like she would forget those? )  

 
Every year around November or December, it was a top priority to get a new wall calendar for the upcoming year. And she would meticulously tranfer each birthday or event to the new one. Over the last few years I off and on suggested she use the caelndar program on the computer , so she wouldn't have to keep redoing one each year.  I told her about all the marvelous features, setting up reminders, creating recurring events etc.. She (halfhearted) said she'd give it a try one day.. but I think she was just trying to pretend like she was going to.. I think it gave her comfort and  it was more a personal loving touch that she kept up the wall calendars. Looking back through them now (she saved them all) I'm very glad she didn't take my advice. There are so many "personal" little family event entries on them, days when one of the kids lost a tooth, when one of the kids or grandkids had a school project or trip, records of special days to her.. there was even an entry on the day one of the girls started shaving their legs!  I'll bet they don't remember the day, but Gretchen did.  
  I haven't gotten them all together, some are in a cabinet, others in a drawer somewhere  etc. It brings back so many good memories and shows how important her family and friends were to her. And you can tell by the way she wrote some things, they were so meaningful to her.. Like the mother's Day gift of the haircut from the girls, the entry was all capital letters and exclamation points "GREAT, GREAT GIFT!!"
  She left us so much, each day is a new discovery, I found 2 big boxes of cards, (holidays, birthdays, greeting cards) She's saved everything that the girls, me the grandkids and friends had sent or given to her over the years.. I' don't know where to begin to get everything together, but all these things are treasures to our family and we'll take great care of them. I don't know that I'll be keeping a calendar as well as she did, but I'll surely give it my best,  
 
Thank you sweety for alll the love and caring all these years.