Posts Tagged Humour

NEVER BRING PLANTS INTO THE HOUSE!

28 May 2008

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here’s why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran naked into the living room to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, wouldn’t listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, she dangled her hand in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp so that he needed
stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the startled family dog who, jumped out and raced into the street where an oncoming car swerved to avoid the dog and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area. (But they did get the house fire out).

Time passed and both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police were issued a new car, and all was right with their world.

Several days later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That’s when he shot her.

Yorkshire Airlines

19 March 2008

http://www.garazon.com/uploads/YorkshireAirlines.wmv
Thanks to Alison for sending this funny vid!

Brit by association

24 February 2008

I was noticing the other evening when I was writing a mail to Alison that I now automatically seem to use the UK spelling most all the time now. Well specifically those words that here end in ‘or’ where there it’s ‘our‘ such as humour and colour. Well that in itself isnt that uncommon. But I got thinking about it more and realised I also use phrases and words now that 2 years ago I wouldn’t have ever imagined saying.. simple things really like ‘petrol’ I am often sending my love a text kiss from the petrol pumps, (the romantic man that i am!) :) Well here we say ‘gas‘ of course and even that is showing how lazy we are to shorten it from gasoline. And then not only do we use ‘gas’ for that, we call propane ‘gas’ too! And on top of that we call just about anything in a gaseous state that we use for fuel or burning, such as acetylene and such… yes ‘gas’ again! well in polite circles a fart is called ‘gas’ too but I dont want to go rambling on too much in that direction… lol

I now also ring someone instead of call. I can remember well watching those BBC sitcoms from the 60′s and 70′s and hearing them saying to ring someone and laughing at how absurd it sounded to me at the time. Now I don’t think twice about it, either writing it or saying it~ And car park… there’s another one! I dont know when that slipped in really. Well I still use parking lot often too, but its about 50-50 now. Well I don’t know when but I do know how I got to using it. Ever since Alison and I have been texting we have got into the habit of sending some at very specific times during the day, well in addtion to those off and on just to say hi. Theres the wake up text and kiss… well they all have a kiss in them! and then one when we leave the house for work, well naturally the one after that is the car park text! Well as I said I still say parking lot just as often too. It was just so funny the other day someone at work was asking me if I had an extra box cutter, and I said ‘No, but I’ll go out to the car park and get one from my car’ and it was only after I got a funny look from him that I caught what I said!

(more…)

Football Roast

9 February 2008

Super bowl hijinks in the meat department :)

things I do in my spare time

1 July 2007

Alison-photo effects

Things I do in my spare time :)

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